He’s just not that into you !

While over the years of seeing friends go through relationships, I have devised rules to follow ( like my favorite rule of 3) , I am blogging about a new rule for a friend who needs to see that her boy ( as she calls him ) is just not that into her….

We have all met these men – the “he’s just not that into you’ variety! I’ve met them myself and have pointed out for my friends the ones they’ve encountered. Like with all other things, it’s easier to point things out for somebody else, than for yourself and that’s exactly what I am trying to do here!

He’s a great lad! I cant deny that and I at some point totally approved of him (and well still think he’s great) but I just like to point things out as they are and he’s just looking out for himself right now and I need you to watch out for you !

Honey, it’s time to cut your losses and to move on in Life. Why would anybody ( yeah I know easier said than done) want to stay home stuck in that dating limbo , while the guy is out partying it out and living his life , like nothing happened ? Time to move on girl, to better things and territories.

I can easily tell you to “Hang in there” and wait for him to realize how wonderful you are and come running back to you. I know that’s what you’re pining for. I can say “if you play the game right he will come running back into your arms and all will be as was – perfect first few months” . Sadly I can be a bitch, especially when my girls’ feelings  are at stake and I will tell you this , please don’t be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through this game you’re playing. You will not win this one !

Women have the knack of assuming and dreaming and making men they meet to be more than they are. You do it too and so do I, it’s just in our DNA. This boy is made up entirely of your excuses. It’s really time to take stock of things and stop making the excuses for him. The one golden rule to remember is “where there is a will, there is a way!ALWAYS

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women.  They like to think of you as a prized possession. They like not knowing you’re in the bag , they like not knowing if they can catch you and when they do , they feel rewarded. It’s this thrill that drives them. It’s all about the ‘chase’

Women make a big mistake, they forget the Rule 2 of 3 – they get swayed by the “honeys” and the “babys” and the talk about the happy future together that happens in month 1 . The sweet nothings are just an easier way to say than “I’m just not that into you.” 

Darling, remember – actions speak louder than any of the above. There are ways to show how one really feels and words cannot match up to them…ever…

There are small things and gestures that speak volumes about how one feels about you.

Remember this is the same guy who in the first few meetings knew exactly what to say and when to say them and what was the right thing to do. He cannot forget all that over night     (or in a few months) he just doesn’t think it’s worth the effort anymore.

The next thing men like this do is say “ I think you’re awesome and I’m just not there yet” , “you deserve more”  or “you’re  too good/perfect for me” “ I want to give you my 100% you deserve it , but I have too much going on right now “. My dear girl, men are selfish beings, if  a man really wants you, he will do what it takes to keep you in his life.

The “let’s be friends” tag is the worst to get.  My view ( and I conclude this from experience ) – You and he have enough friends and don’t need each other to survive/stay happy. Take the cue, walk away. If he really likes you and misses you , then he will take the effort to keep up and make amends , but beware , don’t confuse it with him wanting you as a back up ……By saying “ let’s be friends” when he knows you like him , he will always be able to play the “friend” card on you.  He will only be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. 

This way he’s got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to.  He may be one of your closest friends, but I’m sorry to say … as a boyfriend, he’s just not that into you. Beware of the word “friend”.  It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior.  Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep. I like being me around my friends and the minute I need to “think” what I should say or do; it’s time to close them out…..

You don’t want to be “sort of dating” someone dear or to be “kinda hanging out” with someone. You shouldn’t have to spend a lot of your energy suppressing how you feel and what you want to say, just so you can appear to be ‘uninvolved/uninterested’ when you really are !

I think you deserve to be involved and we both know you want to be involved with somebody who you can trust and respect, with somebody who reciprocates how you feel and is well,  into you ! You can’t blame people for having feelings for you. The guy did at some point like you, he still may! I mean think about it, you love someone, you break up, and you still have feelings for them. It’s natural; it’s what makes us Human! But having feelings doesn’t mean you can hook up, be at his disposal or even think he owes you anything in return! He’s been clear by saying lets just be friends coz he’s just not that into you! Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has “issues” with marriage, will … rest assured … someday be married.  It just will never be with you ….

My dear everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us.  I understand where you come from.  What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn’t want you in his life anymore … his sad, wistful, “I miss you so much” voice on the other end of the phone?  It’s validating.  It’s exciting.  It’s irresistible.  But resist you must!

Any good friend, who loves you ( like me J ) will have only one piece of advise to share – stop talking to him and please disconnect !

I reiterate again – a man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.  If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he’s showing up to say it in person and if he’s doing none of that , then I’m sorry honey He’s just not that into you ! He may love you and miss you but it’s not enough and you need to do what you need to – stop taking his calls and let him know you’re not available.

Umm, let the fact that he misses you not flatter you! He should miss you, you’re awesome, you made his life happier and warmer and you know it ! Yet he’s still that guy who called it off and said its time to cool off ! The only reason he misses you is because he’s making the choice of not being with you…coz he’s just not that into you !

You remember we had a friend (name to be shared in person) who was dating Mr. X for like a month and he split with her saying that he did not think it could be something serious and thought they should still hang out and be friends? And she being the silly girl that she was (is) agreed (and this is a common trend for us all isn’t it?) . They would get together, hang out and sometimes hook up, then there would be a break and then it would go back and it went on and on coz she was into him and for him this was a perfect no strings attached arrangement…..She kept making excuses for him, and kept thinking it’s kinda cool — all pressure’s off and we’re having a great time together.  Till the day she decided that this was fine and she wouldn’t call his attention for the fact that they were actually dating.  Except for the fact that they had split a few months back! You remember how pissed you were about this arrangement?

Her guy was brilliant. He went out with her, dated her, broke up with her, then continued to hook up with her etc and all this absolved him with all the responsibilities that would come with “dating” (aka all responsibility toward your feelings).  After all, they weren’t “going out “anymore.  It was genius!  We even discussed how cool it was as a plan, only for the fact that it was our dear friend’s heart at stake…

Anyways back to your story – for the record, this guy doesn’t “like you so much that he can’t stop being around you.”  Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.  This guy is seriously not into you, and the only way you’re going to figure out how into you , you are … is how fast you get rid of him! Pssst, hint: NOW is good!

It’s very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less — even a vague pathetic facsimile of less — than you would have ever imagined.  Remember always what you set out to get and please don’t settle for less.  These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to. ! And you and me (and power puff chicks like us are not that kind!)

Here’s what you should do – Every time you feel that void ( and feel it you will ) call me / your other  Gfs up….come over , lets go out for drinks or a movie or coffee or dinner.               Leave him , don’t look for an excuse to stay…hanging out is not how it works , it only confuses you further and makes you miserable  and it also messes you up coz then you begin  separating your emotions and physical attraction….that sucks !

Breaking up means not seeing them again, this also implies not seeing them in any way again. This guy’s sniffing for something better, and when he doesn’t find it, he gets lonely and comes “home.”  It’s not that he’s so into you. It’s that he’s so not into being alone.  Don’t give him the chance to break up with you again! Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision.  Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company. Don’t confuse being classy with being a doormat.  Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity.  Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal! You do it for friends and not for Exes!

Breakups are supposed to be Breaks.  Hard, clean breaks.  No talking, no seeing, no touching (ha-ha yeah like that song and more!)  The relationship is over.  Half the people I know go out on a holiday after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me.  Also you’re not supposed to ‘hang’ with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. 

You’d rather stay in bed cry, wail, have ice cream, and go to the gym! Use this positively! Call your friends and burden them with your stories! We have all been there and will understand! Head to the Spa, shop, do whatever you need to eventually shut the dude out and move on! Cut him off.  Let him miss you. He doesn’t need to be reminded that you’re great … not worth it! There are many fish in the sea!

There’s a guy out there who’s going to be really happy that you didn’t get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

Don’t give him the chance to reject you over and over in many ways than one! No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

Being lonely … being alone … for many people … sucks.  I get it, but still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel crappy or doesn’t honor the person you are worse. You’re my power puff girl for a reason; you will sail through this …easy!

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. Make that choice by taking someone who isn’t, out of your life!

P.s. always there for you!

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